The Internet via fiber is too fast? Can you believe that someone would actually say that and demand slower speeds – at least at times? People want to enjoy the “power of slowness”? We can get Internet at the speed of light – well, at gigabit anyway – and people want to go back to the speed of sail? Life in the slow lane returns? Warp speed to impulse?

Is this a joke? Well, Google announced its latest feature on March 31, not fools’ day. Are we being played? I hope so. Beam me up …

Welcome to Google Fiber’s latest (alleged?) addition and innovation” Dial-up mode.”

“By incorporating dial-up technology, we were able to reduce Fiber speeds up to 376 times by withholding photons from the fiber strands. In doing so, the light-based fiber optic technology dims to a flicker of its previous capacity,” Google says in a blog.

Innovation? Yes. Google engineers actually had to invent a way to slow down fiber connections.

Egad. Dial-up is coming back just like vinyl records! I had to call my wife to the PC screen and tell her the news.

“I can’t think of anything I would want to run slower on the net,” says a stunned Mrs. Smith, an avid and expert technologist.

Me, either. Sounds stupid to me. (To the Mrs., too …) If Google Fiber is playing a joke, this is a big one. If it’s really true …

Dial-up nightmares

For any user of the Internet before broadband (BB), two words cause nightmares: “Dial-up mode.”

For you millennials out there who missed out on the pleasure of 14k and 28k dial-up modem access via standard phone lines, getting Internet access was slower than slow. Want a video? Go take a walk while it downloads.

So along comes broadband, even DSL at 56K. (DSL is digital subscriber line, much faster but still s-l-o-w compared to broadband over cable.) Videos and downloads are much faster to access. But we wanted more.

So now comes Google Fiber, GigaPower from AT&T and other fiber services from Verizon, Frontier Communications, CenturyLink, etc. In fact, the Triangle and parts of North Carolina will soon have a wealth of fiber choices. The state even has a Manteo-to-Murphy fiber network (N.C. Research and Education Network from MCNC.) Meanwhile, Time Warner Cable is upping its Internet speeds over its copper networks.

But in Kansas City where Google first rolled out its Google Fiber and thus ignited the fiber wars/competition, Google says something unexpected:

Sometimes people want slow.

Go to the bathroom …

“For all the demand that is driving Google Fiber and other companies to deliver ultra-fast Internet, there also are people who want downloads to take longer so they can get a cup of coffee. So says Google. The result: Engineers have actually invented a way to slow down fiber – they call it “dial-up mode” – while you get that hot drink or go to the bathroom,” writes Maurice Clarke, Fiber Technologist in the Google Fiber blog.

“At Google Fiber, we are passionate about superfast Internet. We believe that people shouldn’t wait to connect to the things they care about—like that awesome YouTube video, can’t-miss TV series or those photos from the last family vacation.”

Apparently the ultra-fast, superfast Internet information highway needs some rest stops.

“[W]we’ve learned that Fiber has been impacting our subscribers in ways that we didn’t expect. Loading bars used to give people an opportunity to pause and take care of the little things—like making a cup of coffee, taking a bathroom break or playing with the dog. We’ve been told that Fiber’s seemingly instant connections have taken away that precious time,” Clarke reports.

“This got us thinking—what if we could help people get their time back even while they used Fiber? We worked with dial-up engineers, 56k researchers and T1 enthusiasts across the world to build our newest feature: dial-up mode.”

Amazing. Back to the past is suddenly chic for the net.

Now tell me you actually expected THAT to happen.

“Enjoy slowness …”

If you say so – well, you are (were) nuts.

Speed, baby. I want speed. So would say Dick Vitale.

So Google actually invests intellectual capital, money and “time” to find a way to slow the speed of light. The job wasn’t easy, Clarke says, but they were successful.

“By incorporating dial-up technology, we were able to reduce Fiber speeds up to 376 times by withholding photons from the fiber strands. In doing so, the light-based fiber optic technology dims to a flicker of its previous capacity, giving our users those precious moments to load the dishwasher, hug the kids or walk the dog,” Clarke says.

I can’t believe this. I really can’t. As I write from my outpost in Raleigh away from the corporate network and lament even the slightest bits of latency, Clarke actually writes this:

“To activate this new feature, simply click the menu at the top right-hand corner of your browser and select ‘Dial-up Mode’. Then sit back, relax and enjoy the power of slowness.”

Enjoy slowness?

On the net?

That’s blasphemy!

“Over the coming weeks, we’ll be rolling out dial-up mode to gigabit customers in Kansas City, Provo, and Austin, helping meet the need for slow,” Clarke says.

“We hope to bring this feature to all Google Fiber subscribers soon.”

Here’s my hope:

Don’t bring it to the Triangle! And that’s no joke.

You can read the blog at: http://googlefiberblog.blogspot.com/2015/03/introducing-dial-up-mode.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FoObXp+%28%C2%A0Google+Fiber+Blog%29

Watch the video at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTTtkisylQw