CED just hosted an exclusive, fancy-pants dinner to honor its list of 25 North Carolina Companies to Watch .
I couldn’t make the dinner, so I decided to make my own, even more exclusive list.
Which of these 25 second-stage companies, I wondered, were most likely to grow into futuristic mega-corporations that control all politics, economics, and life on earth? Because really, if your company’s not aiming for that, what’s the point?
Taking into account their names, their business models, and the vast amounts of my brain devoted to dystopian pop culture, I am proud to present:
The North Carolina Companies to Watch Take Over the World
What They Do
“Automatically transform raw data into compelling narratives.” In other words, they get computers to turn statistics into human-sounding stories.
Why They’ll Take Over
Once they’ve phased out sports and financial reporters, AI’s A.I. should find political pundits even easier to replace. Then some disgruntled former pundit will say “Hey, if that algorithm is so smart, why doesn’t it run for president?”
And so it will. Game over.
What They Do
Something called “proprietary digital microfluid technology.”
Why They’ll Take Over
I’m pretty sure Advanced Liquid Logic was what powered the T-100 robot in Terminator 2.
What They Do
Sell bee farming supplies.
Why They’ll Take Over
In a world where the great bee die-off portends the end of civilization, only those with the skills to keep bees shall survive! So while you’re wandering the environmental wastelands, they’ll be stockpiling honey in their bee bunker. And that’s really going to sting.
Southern Fastners and Supply, Inc
What They Do
Supply the south with fasteners.
Why They’ll Take Over
Some days I’m pretty sure that paper fasteners are the only thing holding this crazy world together.
What They Do
“Make your data actionable.” Whatever, I know what’s really going on…
Why They’ll Take Over
There used to be an attraction at Disney World called Alien Encounter, where a pan-galactic corporation accidentally teleports a blood-thirsty alien into a crowd of unsuspecting Tomorrowland tourists.
The name of that company? X-S Tech.
